An invitation to Men: view the world through the eyes of women

Last week my boyfriend and I went out for dinner in York. We walked back to our car, taking the stairs down from Lendal bridge to walk along the river, commenting on how it was hard to see the steps in the dark. But we made it down to the riverside without issue and strolled arm in arm along the footpath, the picture of romance, before reaching our car.

Last night we were discussing the issue of women feeling safe after the sentencing of Sarah Everard’s killer and the ludicrous comments by North Yorkshire police boss Philip Allott who revealed his engrained misogynistic beliefs that women need to take responsibility for their own safety by being ‘more streetwise’ about when they can and can’t be arrested. I mean seriously…..

I asked my boyfriend – who is fierce champion of women – if he ever felt unsafe walking on his own. He said that in some foreign, slightly dodgy cities, yes he had been more on his guard.

‘But what about here, in the UK, in York? Do you ever feel unsafe here?’

He said no.

Now York is a safe city and I have often walked home on my own at night. I also regularly hike on my own and wild camp on my own in the moors. I feel relatively safe doing all of that. But, then I thought back to our recent evening out and the dark stairs, which had simply posed a trip hazard, and the quiet footpath along the river.

And I realised that had I been on my own, I wouldn’t have taken that route. Or if I had, I would have walked fast, looking behind me, particularly on the dark stairs and the pitch black nook behind the stairs. I would have breathed a sigh of relief when I reached the lights from the Star in the City restaurant. I would have scanned the riverside footpath ahead for anyone seedy looking. If clear, I’d have walked confidently, car keys clutched in my hand, no earphones in. I would have actively looked for other couples who I might be able to rely on for help should I need it. Once off the footpath, I’d have walked cautiously to the dimly lit car park. I would have walked on the road rather than up the dark snickleway to get there. I’d have scanned all around me while paying for my parking and walked fast to my car, alert to anyone coming out of the shadows.

I realised, as I was describing this to my boyfriend, that I don’t even realise that I am doing any of this stuff at the time. It’s instinctive. As a woman, you constantly make a million tiny assessments about whether something is safe. It is so hard-wired into us that I find it almost impossible to believe that men don’t do this. Because they do this when they are in a foreign, dodgy place. They know when they need to be alert. They make the same nano assessments.

But they don’t do this every day. Because they don’t feel at risk. Women do. And I guess marginalised people at risk of racism, bigotry, homophobia or derision for being different do too. I think the average bloke would be genuinely surprised by the number of micro adjustments women make to their lives every day to keep themselves safe.

I used to live in South Africa. It was only after I left that I realised how much constant fear I lived with. When I got to the UK I relaxed. I could put my groceries in the boot of my car without constantly looking around me, or I could approach my driveway without scanning for hijackers loitering in the bushes. It felt like a load had been taken from me; my adrenalin could chill the F out. Being on guard all the time is exhausting. I don’t think the average man realises just how exhausted women are from this shit.

I don’t know how we fix this either. It will take generations before ‘the fear’ that is passed from mother to daughter, sister to sister, girlfriend to girlfriend dies out. It’s something we’ve been doing for so long that it is now just a part of us. A very, very tiring part. But perhaps a good first step is for all men to realise that this is how women feel.

Look around you next time you’re out at night on your own chaps. See the world from a woman’s perspective. Imagine you are your mum, sister, wife, girlfriend. See that dark ally? See that guy on his own standing on the corner? See that stretch of the road with all those bushes? Notice where the lights are? Look at the people around you – Who would you trust? Do that for the entire journey you make. Constantly imagine that any one of those things could be a threat or a safe place. Would you be happy for your mum, sister, wife, girlfriend to be there on their own? Would they in your view be safe?

And if for whatever reason, something happened to them, would it be because they weren’t being vigilant enough? Had they had too much to drink? Were they wearing a dress that showed off their legs? Would it be their fault they got attacked because they hadn’t followed the list of rules that women are meant to follow in order to keep safe?

To put it into context men, have you ever decided you shouldn’t have that extra beer because it might make you more susceptible to being a) attacked and b) blamed for being attacked because you were drunk? Have you decided against wearing a pair of shorts on a summer evening because your legs may cause someone to want to rape you? Have you ever walked a longer route to your car because it was better lit and therefore less likely that you will be attacked?

Once you start to view the world from our perspective, you may start to realise the massive restrictions we have on our freedoms. Then I want you to imagine having those same restrictions placed on your freedom. Would you like it?

We don’t like it either. We’re tired of it. We want men to get behind this. It is hard to know how you can help when you are a good, decent man other than following the normal advice like crossing to the other side of the street, talking on your phone so you don’t appear as a threat, help someone in distress. But really it goes deeper.

We need all men to call out other men who are being creeps, pestering women or simply telling sexist jokes. It’s hard. Socially awkward. You don’t want to be that killjoy being politically correct, known as the lame stick in the mud. After all, it’s just ‘harmless banter’. The world has gone mad in its political correctness. What happened to having a sense of humour? I get it. Because I don’t like being the one to call out those jokes either for the same reasons. But we must. And you men really must, because when women do, they get branded as hysterical feminists lacking an ability to laugh at themselves. If we don’t call out sexism, the stereotypes of women being objects and ‘less than’ are perpetuated. And our safety fears remain.

We need dads to talk to their sons about respecting women, to shut down any chauvinism, to help them realise that women aren’t weak and need protecting. That women are strong, inspirational, kick ass role models. But that they do need to live in a world free of male violence and stopping male violence isn’t the women’s job. That sits squarely on men’s shoulders. Start using language that talks to what men need to do stop violence against women rather than what women need to do to protect themselves.

And while your ten year old son may feel he is being unfairly vilified as he is just a sweet little boy who hasn’t done anything nasty to girls and in fact feels that boys are unfairly picked on at school in contrast to girls, he needs to be taught how to be a good man, to respect women and to understand that not all men do respect women, and that he is part of the army who needs to fix that.

It’s going to take years. Institutions like the police, where sexism seems to be rife, needs a radical overhaul. There should be a zero tolerance policy for it. Corporations whose employees engage in sexist chat and laddish banter should put those people on performance improvement plans and hit them where it hurts – their pay packet. Entrench equality in their core values. Employ more women and pay them the same. For real, lasting change to occur, respect is required at every level.

This isn’t an easy thing to fix and I feel genuine sadness that good men get tarred by the same brush. It’s not fair. They haven’t done anything wrong. #NotAllMen. But then again, it’s not fair being a woman who has to live with this shite daily. We’ve carried the unfairness load for a long time now. It’s time for men to pick up the weight of responsibility and come up with a solution.