The trials of dating when you’re over 45

The last time I dated was in the 1990s. There were many good things about this:

1. I was young and thin with no baggage, emotionally or bodily.
2. The pool of men I could choose from were young, mostly attractive, had hair, and similarly, had no baggage and were still available.
3. I didn’t have to actually date. I’d just go to a bar or club or friend’s party and most people there were unmarried and looking to meet someone. There was opportunity everywhere.
4. I didn’t yet have standards.

Fast forward 20 / 25 years and things have changed.

To meet people once you’re over 45 you either have to hook up with a work colleague (risky); rely on a friend to have a single friend or someone who knows someone (dangerous if it doesn’t work out); possibly join a club of some sort (but that’s a long term strategy which requires time investment often with zero return); or do online dating.

If you’re lucky enough to never have done online dating, let me explain how it works. You sign up to your chosen site. Some are free (with the opportunity to pay for added features once they’ve hooked you in) or you pay up front. I’ve personally tried The Guardian Dating site (not for long – too many earnest types), Match.com (where there is literally no element of worthwhile matching that happens) and Bumble (where women have to make the first move – great in theory as you can’t get sent unwanted messages but equally seems to attract men who can’t be arsed to make any effort).

Bumble is like Tinder, where you can swipe right if you like someone or swipe left if you don’t. Start doing some thumb work outs now, particularly the swipe left action.

You will have to upload some pictures and write a bio about yourself. These two points are where most men go wrong instantly (and I can only speak about the men as I can’t see what the women’s profiles look like.)

Women – I believe generally – will only post pictures that they like of themselves. For some women, that means filtering the fuck out of them or adding cute bunny ears to them or pouting in every picture. I know this because so many men in their profiles ask women not to do this. (I don’t blame them.) But in general I think women put a bit of effort in and actually write a bio too.

But men seem to be ok with grabbing their phone and snapping a picture of themselves standing in front of a urinal or sitting in their high vis vest in their truck or with their pit bull terrier slobbering over them. They angle the camera up so you get all the chins. Often the pictures are blurry. Or they’re with friends and you can’t tell which one is them but you can bet your last pound that they’ll be the one you fancy least. In fact 95% of the men in this category are bald, short and look like a potato. The message these guys give off is: this is who I am. Like it or or lump it. I’m going to guess most lump it, which then leads these men to post passive aggressive or just straight up aggressive bios:

‘What’s wrong with all you women?? I’m a genuine, honest bloke, what you see is what you get. Don’t waste my time. Why bother looking at my profile if you aren’t going to message? Must like banter. Don’t do drama.’

I’ll get on to ‘banter’ and ‘drama’ later.

Then there are the chaps who do care what they look like. They spend a LOT of time posing for the camera, often with their shirt off, shades on, muscles flexed, looking sweaty with a too tight shirt on at the gym, straddling a large motorbike, or coddling a fish (because someone told men that women find fish a huge turn on. We don’t.) Some even pout and do the snapchat filter thing. Just no.

These guys typically have a laundry list of what their ideal women must be like:

‘Sexy, fit, must wear heels, must like fishing, must be tactile, don’t bring any drama, must like my banter…’

More on ‘tactile’ later.

Then there are the pretty boys. The ones who will almost certainly spend more time doing their hair and make up than you do. They are there for the likes. They’re mostly aloof and mysterious. They almost never complete their bio as it would take time away from styling their hair.

There are the straight up weirdos. The cross dressers, those dressed like Christmas elves or clutching a garden gnome, or with pictures of themselves taken in the shower with shampoo all over their face, the punks, the hippies, the blatantly married but ‘ethically non-monogamous’ bunch. These, I’ve decided, are there for comedy value or to find their fellow oddball in the world. And more power to them.

And then you get a very, very small collection of guys who are ‘normal’. They are nice looking and may have an array of pictures that show them with sunglasses off, full length and they are recent (rather than those taken from their school year book or army shot from the early 80s when they once had abs/hair).

With this category, you will get those who look great but don’t complete their profile. Avoid. These are typically not real people. They are cat fishing arseholes.

You also get those in this category who semi complete their profile. But only just. They’ll say things like: ‘will this fill this in later’. Or ‘no one reads this anyway’. I typically avoid these too because if they can’t be arsed to write a paragraph they won’t be interested in putting much effort in when it comes to dating either. Also, I like a man who is good with words. By virtue of the fact that they use none, it rules them out.

Then you get those who complete their profiles fully. Not only that, they can tell the difference between your and you’re. They seem genuinely funny. And your heart lifts. After getting a repetitive stress injury on your left thumb, finally there is a guy who meets your minimum requirements. And then you read that they live 90 miles away or is three foot shorter than you. And so you keep swiping.

Over time the standards you had get lowered to the point where it doesn’t matter that they have full sleeve tattoos and are holding a fish, they don’t look like a potato and can spell. Winner winner chicken dinner.

You start to chat. It’s tedious. Some you instantly know are a non starter. Others you actually believe there may be potential. Until you talk to them on the phone and realise that you really, really have nothing to talk about.

And just occasionally, after all this whittling process you reach the point of agreeing to have a date. By date I mean a brief coffee or glass of wine where you can size each other up, pretend that it was great, agree to message each other, and then block their number from your phone.

Because it is just too hard to say right to someone’s face: actually it’s not me, it’s you. Or: you seem perfectly nice, but the thought of snogging you makes my skin crawl. Or: you’re actually kinda scary in a control freakery way. Or: your pictures were actually really flattering because in real life….

I used to be polite. And I mostly still am. I message saying thank you for the date, but no thank you. But the entire process is draining. And I can feel my own manners starting to plunge into who-gives-a-damn territory. Online dating – like all things internet based – messes with your morality. There’s a sense that they’re not real people behind the profile and so therefore it doesn’t matter how you treat each other. It’s dangerous and horrible.

Suffice to say that after almost 6 months of online dating, I’ve been on about 10 dates, only one of whom I saw more than once and he abruptly ghosted me after showering me with attention (what the hell is that about?!)

It’s not going terribly well. I have given myself until the end of January and then am going to ditch the apps, get 17 cats and drink sherry while sitting in a rocking chair, reminiscing about bygone days.

But before I do that, here are some translations:

Banter: a grown man’s way of saying that he is a loud, gobshite who feels he can say whatever he likes because ‘it’s just bants’. He’s not funny. He’s mostly mean.

Drama: men say they don’t want any drama. I get it. Some women can bring the unnecessary drama. But a) most women’s drama is a direct result of previous men being dickheads and b) everyone has some kind of drama in their life at some point. It would be nice to be with someone who can be there for you when things get tough and vice versa. So men who say this: avoid.

Tactile: this is code for: I want to have sex right now. Expect to get messages from these chaps that go like this: ‘hey gorgeous. Damn you are sexy. No way you are 46. 😘🥰😘’ If you’re flattered or polite enough to respond, expect the conversation to escalate quickly into what they would like to be doing to you. If you fancy having some free sexting, fill your boots. But otherwise I suggest you tell them there are numbers they can call and pay for the same service.

A hat in every picture: bald and not comfortable with it

Smiling with mouth closed in every picture: seriously bad teeth

Sitting in a fancy car: they most likely don’t own it or do and they have a tiny willy.

‘I’m funny and / or good looking’: they are typically neither. What’s more, they are misguided and invariably vain. Let us be the judge please.

Good luck ladies. May the odds be ever in your favour.