The definition of Unbecoming is: Not suitable or acceptable. (Remember this — it’s important later)
It recently occurred to me that the rest of my life story is almost entirely my own to write. To be fair, that could be said for everyone, but most people have some kind of constraints or ties that limit the realm of their future potential. Very soon I won’t.
Two years ago I was part of a family of four, living in our family home, with our long standing circle of friends, running a business, and had a fairly expected and predictable future.
Now I live in a different, smaller home, with my two teen sons, one of whom will soon be heading to boarding school, the other to follow swiftly thereafter. I work full time and my friendships have shifted slightly as they do after divorce.
In just two short years, I will be a family of one. My role as ‘mother’ will (while always being there) become a bit part as my children find their independence. I have no family in this country. I have no debt. I could live anywhere (that my passport allows — thanks Brexit — that has limited things a bit). I could do anything. I could become anyone. The freedom of that is powerful and dizzying.
The challenge is knowing who I want to become. What life do I want to have for the second half of my time on earth? What do I want to do? What could I achieve? Who do I want to be with? Do I want to be with someone? What kind of person do I want to be? Who am I?
Who am I?
We spend our lives defining ourselves by stage of life or what we do or even where we’re from. I’m a kid from a complicated family. I’m a sailor. I’m a student. I’m a wife. I’m a mother. I’m a career woman. I’m an adventurer. I’m South African. I’m an expat. I’m an entrepreneur. I’m a hiker. I’m a divorcee. I’m a marketing manager. Every label carries a weight of expectation. We become that thing people expect us to be. That we expect ourselves to be. We fit into the box life has assigned us and wait for the label to be affixed as we chug along the conveyor belt to the next stage.
All those labels cover up the person we once were. But, for most of us, remembering who that person was is ridiculously hard. Even from the youngest age, expectation subtly shapes us long before the memory of who we originally were can be logged into the long term memory bank. And who’s to say that person you were is the real you anyway? Back then you were just a lump of un-moulded play dough. Life has created the person you are.
But does that mean you are the person you are meant to be? Given complete freedom to become anything, how do you choose?
I have not got the answer. Yet. I do know it starts with what makes you happy. Choosing activities, people and places that make you feel light and energised. Trying new things. Meeting new people. Visiting new places. Seeing what feels like a natural, comfortable, uplifting fit. It’s a learning experience and each experience, person or place gives you the insight you need to peel back a label and ease the box you may still find yourself in. Gradually you become more aware of - not just what you like and what you don’t - but the type of person you are. Hint: we’re a complex mess of many things.
This unravelling process may mean that you do things that others don’t always approve of or wouldn’t expect from you. It might mean you make choices that cause lips to purse. It probably means you’ll be slightly more selfish; possibly much more selfish. You may stop caring about what other people think as you shed the layers of their expectations. You may not know yet who you are or where you’re heading, but you do gradually realise your worth. And that is invaluable.
Many people talk about ‘becoming’ who we are meant to be as we grow older. I prefer to think of it as ‘unbecoming’ me. I can feel it happening already. Things I used to think were important simply aren’t anymore. My priorities are shifting. I’m exploring the potential of who is inside me. And the person I discover within, and my future life, may not be acceptable or suitable as defined by the constraints of societal labels. It may all seem slightly unbecoming, but I’m ok with that.
I have the incredible privilege of writing my own future, using the gifts of life experience, to shed unwanted labels and become whatever I want to be. How awesome is that? Let the journey commence.
