Weird Things You May Be Feeling During Lockdown
We’re all feeling a bit weird at the moment. It’s understandable. Our world has shifted and we’re all experiencing a sense of jet-lag, that odd feeling of not really knowing what time it is or where you are.
But I am suffering from two specific lockdown phenomena. Perhaps you can relate?
The first is Skin Hunger. Yes, that is an actual thing. I’m not talking Silence of the Lambs wanting to make a skin suit and eat people hunger. It’s a result of not being touched physically. It’s also known as being touch starved, or touch / affection deprivation. Google it. There are scientific studies about it.
It’s not surprising really. We’re living through a period of time where touch is verboten. Millions of people living on their own will be going through this bizarre and unpleasant experience.
Skin hunger is different to loneliness. It’s not a lack of emotional connection. I talk to people all day at work – remotely. I have friends and family to connect with. I have my children, well teens, who occasionally grunt in my direction. But I lack physical connection.
For me this has been going on for far longer than the lockdown period. I’d say I’ve had a persistent lack of affection and physical contact since the beginning of 2018, which perhaps is why I am feeling this so acutely.
Of course I’ve had the odd hug from my sons and friends, I’ve had massages, I’ve had my hair done, I’ve received handshakes and had very, very occasional amorous encounters (well not since lockdown obvs). But that’s two years of having measly scraps of physical contact.
As a result, there is this ache in me. And I mean a literal ache. I now understand why those people stand around in public places with signs saying Free Hugs. They are performing a very needed public service.
I have an almost overwhelming desire to be held. A bear hug where someone wraps their arms around me. A pat on the back. A leg rub. A cheeky pinch of the bum. To have someone kiss me in a black and white movie scene way. To feel the warm weight of a person sleeping next to me, their arm draped over me. The gentle squeeze of interlocked fingers. The nuzzle of my neck. The feeling of an arm curving around my waist. That distracted circling of a finger on my skin. Someone running their hands through my hair. Dancing closely together. Sex.
Even when lockdown ends, I don’t think I will be getting most of that. But at least there will be some human contact in contrast to the current barren desert of isolation.
Which moves me onto the second weird ailment. I’m calling this Emotional Ambushing Or possibly Emotional Spotlighting. I have searched but can find no studies on this. So here’s my unscientific conclusion of what’s going on.
First, what happens: you are feeling fine. Then out of the blue you see, hear, smell, taste or feel something and wham! you cry or laugh intensely, for absolutely no discernible reason and completely by surprise. And with pinpoint focus, like a spotlight has been shone on that particular emotion and amplified it.
A few recent examples:
Watching Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix and Harry is fighting Voldemort in the Ministry of Magic and he says: ‘You’re the weak one and you’ll never know love or friendship.’ Now I have watched the Harry Potter films about a million times and have never cried at that. And yet suddenly the poignancy of what he was saying hit me in the gut. The fact that friends and love can defeat anything. I really felt the words with laser-like intensity. Well. Sob-fest.
Out for my daily walk and I see a mum with two little kids, one about four and the other about 2. The toddler is doing that thing where he wants to be in the buggy then doesn’t, then does. For a moment I felt a pang if sympathy for the mum as I thought, ‘God, been there.’ And then wham! Floodgates as I felt full blown grief at the loss of those years. You’re so busy surviving motherhood that you don’t grieve for the passing stages. I did today. Much to the bemusement of passersby.
Seeing spring blossoms. Stopping and really looking at them. Admiring them for their exquisite beauty and wham! tears of joy at the simple pleasures available to me and a deep sense of gratitude intensely focused on that very moment.
Reading a Twitter thread about something banal and then reading people’s responses to it and starting to laugh so hard you almost pee yourself, feeling this collective sense of ‘we’re all laughing together’.
I could go on. The emotional ambushing and pinpointing has been coming with alarming regularity. But here’s the weirdest part – I actually really love it.
I think it’s happening because we have got rid of so much of the day to day noise and busyness in our lives. We have nothing but time with limited things to keep us occupied. This sensory deprivation is giving us the gift of being able to feel fully, instead of just rushing into the next thing.
I liken it to regular breathing vs deep breathing. In our normal busy lives our breath is shallow, fast, in the upper part of our body only. But stop right now and take a deep breathe, one that goes right to your belly, hold it and exhale. You properly felt that breath right? That’s how I’m feeling emotions right now. I’m noticing them – unexpectedly– and with immense depth.
It’s a strange old time we find ourselves living through. But besides all the other well documented benefits this life pause will bring, I hope that I never again take for granted the simple power of human touch and the gift of fully experiencing every day moments and emotions.
Stay safe.
